Giving rebuke, though often necessary, is one of our most difficult tasks. Besides being difficult, it is often ineffective, for the listener is frequently turned off and ignores the message. How can one give rebuke in a way that does not alienate the listener or fall on deaf ears?

The Chavot Yair says that one of the reasons people ignore rebuke is that they do not want to be classified as "bad." They therefore turn up their defenses and turn off their ears. Rather, rebuke must be given in a way that lifts up the listener as opposed to putting him down.

According to the Chavot Yair, the way the Torah formulates the mitzva of rebuke gives us guidance in how to effectively rebuke. The Torah (Vayikra 19:17) says, "Surely rebuke your friend (amitekha - colleague, friend)." Relate to him as an equal, a friend, as an essentially good person with a lofty soul who has temporarily erred. Do not look down on him as an evil person. The Torah continues, "Velo tisa alav cheit," that can be translated as, "Do not heap sin upon him." Do not deem him a sinner.

A verse in Mishlei (9:8) brings out the same point. "Do not rebuke the scoffer lest he hate you; rebuke the wise man and he will love you." The Chavot Yair reads this as follows: If you consider the one you are rebuking as a scoffer he will hate you. If you view him as a wise man and show him that his conduct is inappropriate for him, he will love you and change his ways.

[prepared by Eliezer Kwass]