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Working
On Marriage
(from the Pesach 5761/2001 Newsletter)
How can a good marriage become a great one? "Work
on it," answered Rabbi Michel and Rebbetzin Feigie
Twerski at the Darche Noam Marriage Seminar, hosted
at Darche Noam this January 7th.
Working on marriage is a natural part of Darche
Noam. The majority of students are in their twenties
and thirties and are either working on their marriages
or working on getting married. (The fact that
many staff members teach at both the Yeshiva and
at Midreshet Rachel v'Chayahas facilitated the latter
group and quite a few "Darche Noam" couples have
emerged.) A husbands' shiur at Shapell's, led
by Rosh Yeshiva Rabbi Yitzchak Hirshfeld, and
a wives' shiur at Midreshet Rachel v'Chaya, led by Educational
Director Mrs. Lynn Finson, take place weekly,
along with a well-attended bi-weekly shiur for
couples, taught by staff members at couples' homes
on a rotating basis. This shiur that has dealt
with issues such as shalom bayit, moral education,
honoring parents and in-laws, and living in Israel.
With so many married alumni who have settled in
Israel, along with such a high percentage of married
students, the idea of hosting a Twerski marriage
seminar generated a special excitement.
The Rabbi and Rebbetzin are spiritual leaders
in the Milwaukee Jewish community and both descended
from distinguished Chassidic lineage. Extensive
experience in counseling and outreach has made
them acutely aware of how much the institution
of Jewish marriage is in danger, even in the traditional
Orthodox community. Driven by a sense of urgency,
they have been giving seminars and retreats on
Jewish marriage and family throughout the United
States for the last several decades. They combine
generations of tradition and wisdom with practical
and relevant advice, much of it obviously acquired
through over four decades of a very successful
marriage (they are now, bli ayin hara, marrying
off their grandchildren.)
At one of the recent couples' shiurim, couples
were asked to submit suggestions of issues and
problems for the Twerskis to deal with. These
were passed on through email, and they built a
custom-made seminar for Darche Noam. The 120 or
so students, alumni and staff members, included
a few couples with grandchildren (a great marriage
needs to be constantly worked on!) a few who were
married just several days earlier, and everything
in between. All gathered for a four-hour seminar
that included two sessions for the couples together,
where the Rabbi and Rebbetzin alternated speaking,
a session for men with the Rabbi concurrent with
one for the women with the Rebbetzin, and a classic
dinner from the Darche Noam chefs.
The Rabbi laid down the foundations in his opening
talk.
Marriage means commitment - it is a covenant that
lasts forever.
Marriage demands hard work - it is a relationship
that builds on inner development.
Marriage entails constant giving - the very word
love in Hebrew (ahava) implies it.
Marriage will mean having to sacrifice - time,
energy, money, and even learning.
Building on source material, their counseling
experience and common sense, the Twerskis proceeded
to paint a picture of Jewish marriage and said
to the group, "You can live like this; here are
the tools," giving practical advice and relating
to real-life situations and problems, not just
dwelling on idyllic models. They took on the issues
head-on in a no-nonsense fashion, but with good
humor, dealing with self-esteem, communication
skills, gender-differences, criticism, in-laws,
and the unique circumstances of the newly religious.
The powerful separate sessions delved into men's
and women's special needs and responsibilities
within a marriage, physical intimacy, and seeking
outside help.
The evening left every couple with a message they
knew when they walked in - there is work to be
done to make a marriage work; but they walked
away with a serious understanding of what needs
to be done and a good direction of how to do it.
We look forward to a return visit by the Twerskis,
and to enabling many more alumni and students
to take advantage of their very special wisdom
and experience. |
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